Sick and Tired of all that SITH
by Cmdr. Gabe E
Summary: Darth Sidious, Count Dooku and the returning Darth Maul realize that they’re UTTERLY BORED with their lives. SO Palpatine, aka Sidious, becomes the NICEST guy in the universe, Dooku becomes a hiphop punk wanna and Maul desires to become the next Shakesp
1. Default Chapter

Sick and Tired of all that SITH

Summary: Rewritten in meater, extended, story format. Darth Sidious, Count Dooku and the returning Darth Maul realize that they're UTTERLY BORED with their lives. SO Palpatine, aka Sidious, becomes the NICEST guy in the universe, Dooku becomes a hiphop Eminem wannabe, and Maul strives to become the next William Shakespeare. Madness ensues.

Chapter I: Sick and tired

It was one fine day. Count Dooku and the EVIL Darth Sidious were sitting around in the conference room of their oh-so-secret really secret base in some really secret planet that was erased from the Jedi Archives…So that it'd be really really secret.

Count Dooku, as usual, was seated on his seat, waiting for his Master, Darth Sidious' inquisition about their progress in the war. He tapped his fingers on the table as he quietly stared at Sidious. He had one elbow on the table as his chin rested over his hand.

One thing was for sure…Count Dooku looked really, REALLY BORED…So bored, that he wouldn't mind having a coloring book to color right now. Hopefully, one with thick lines so that he wouldn't have to worry about coloring out of them. Heck, a Jedi Youngling coloring book would do! Even if it had drawings of JarJar in it!

Darth Sidious, the incredibly EVIL Dark Lord that he was, leaned on the table towards Dooku. "So, uh, now what?" He asked. There was also a tone of boredom in his voice.

Dooku just shrugged, still tapping his fingers on the table.

"So…Have you taken over Kashyyk yet?" Asked the Dark Lord of the Sith.

Dooku shrugged again. "Workin' on it." His eyes wandered towards the window. He couldn't help but wonder what his former allies, the Jedis, were doing at the moment… Probably partying after their victory in the outer rim. And knowing the party planner that Mace Windu was, it was probably one of those hugeass parties.

"…briefed the Separatists of our plans?" Asked Sidious again.

The former Jedi just shrugged and yawned. "Yeap. Did that yesterday. Everything's said and done."

"Taken my dog Popo out on his morning walk?"

Dooku lifted his hand and held Popo up in the air using the force. "Yeap." Then he slowly put him back down.

" Made prank calls to the Jedi Council?"

Dooku boringly shrugged, yet again. "Yeeeaaap."

"Sent my secret admirer love letters to Mon Mothma?"

Dooku sighed and looked at Sidious. "She knows it's you, you know. I think using the codename 'The Supreme Chancellor' doesn't help."

"DRAT!" Exclaimed Sidious as he pounded a hand on the table.

50 minutes later…

Dooku was STILL tapping his fingers on the table as he looked at Sidious. His eyelids were on the verge of closing while he tried to fight sleep. Apparently though, his master, at this time of boredom, had found something to amuse himself.

Sidious was slumped back on his chair and was turning it around and around as he looked up at the ceiling. "This is quite amusing. Really, you should try it."

"No thank you. You've been doing that for almost 50 minutes now. If you stop, you're gonna puke all over the place. And THEN you're going to ask me to clean it all up." Dooku said in his low, booming voice.

Sidious continued to turn his chair around and around "No I'm not. I'm above puking. I'm the freakin' sith lord!" He suddenly stopped, paused in silence for a few seconds, and then puked all over the floor. "Whoops. Didn't see THAT coming…"

Dooku rolled his eyes in irritation. If he didn't care about his smooth, silky silver hair, he'd pull it all out right now. "What have I gotten myself into! I knew I shouldn't have joined YOU! I wanted to rule the galaxy, dammit! Not become YOU'RE bitch!"

"Too late for that now!" Shouted Sid. "You signed the contract, so you stick with me! So nyaa!" He stuck his tongue out at Dooku. "Sucker!"

Dooku grimaced. "Stop that! That's very uncharacteristic of you." If Sidious weren't his master, he would have already given him an intergalactic wedgie.

"I can do whatever I want, whenever I want! I'm a freakin' Sith LORD!" He said, pouting, and crossed his arms over his chest. "And YOU are just MY apprentice! So you're just going to do what I ask you to!" He stuck his tongue out at Dooku again.

"Whatever." Dooku muttered as he rolled his eyes. Oh how he would love to nail that tongue to the table.

Then, as if from out of nowhere, as if the stars themselves have realigned, the door to the conference room suddenly swung open and in came…Darth Maul in all his living glory…with TONS and TONS, of sticky tape wrapped around his mid section where Obi-Wan had sliced him in two in Episode I.

Dooku and Sid both gasped in surprise, eyes wide with SHOCK. "DARTH MAUL!" They both exclaimed.

"I thought you were dead!" Shouted Sid as he pointed at Maul.

Maul stepped towards them and spoke in the exact same tone he did two movies ago. "Soon! We will reveal ourselves to the Jedi! Soon, we will have our REVENGE!"

Sidious and Dooku looked at each other.

Then Sid turned towards Maul. "Okay, seriously, you gotta STOP it with those lines. Like, right now. I mean, they're getting old…Three episodes old!"

Dooku sighed. "Pfft, now I know why I'M the better apprentice. And why I'M the better conversationalist. I, at least, have a vocabulary of more than fourteen words!"

"Ditto!" Concurred Sidious.

Then the impossible happened. Maul, who only learned to speak fourteen words since Sidious had kidnapped him when he was a baby, suddenly broke out, his voice filled with so much emotion. "But I can't help it! I NEVER LEARNED HOW TO READ! OR WRITE!" Tears started to stream down his tattooed cheeks. He felt like falling on his knees but refrained because he knew that this scene was already too cheesy as it was.

"YOU!" He bellowed as he pointed at Sidious. "You never taught me how to read and write! And that's probably because you didn't want me to read those scribbly things on the Apprenticeship contracts you made me sign! You didn't even let me watch SESAME STREET! I feel so deprived!"

Sidious stared at Maul with wide eyes. "Hooookay. Looks like we have a situation here." He mumbled to himself.

"Houston, we have a problem." Added Dooku.

Dooku and Sidious were obviously not taking Maul seriously.

Maul threw a fit and pounded his feet on the floor. "That's it! I'm tired of being ME! From now on, I shall learn how to read and write! I shall expand my vocabulary so that I can use words like juxtaposed and vernacular and supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!"

Dooku waived his index finger in the air. "That last one's not even a word."

"I don't care!" Maul shouted, sounding like a ten year old brat. "Because from now on…I shall be the NEW and IMPROVED Darth Maul! I shall be a master of literature and words!" He held up a dictionary. "I am sick and TIRED of all this 'silent and deadly' crap. I will learn the works of Shakespeare, Alexander Pope and William Butler Yeats! I shall be the GREATEST literary master the Sith has ever known!"

Dooku just wanted to die. He couldn't believe that THIS was the apprentice he replaced. What in the world was Sidious' standard for apprenticeship! "Lord Sidious, give me the command and I will immediately redismantle this former apprentice of yours. It seems as if he had lost one of the horns on his head."

Sidious suddenly stood up. And there was something --- different about him. "No wait! Maul is right!" He shouted, the boredom torn from his voice.

Dooku, taken by his master's sudden action, immediately unleashed his red, hot, throbbing lightsaber, ready to redo what Kenobi had done two episodes ago. Then at the realization of what his master had just said, he stopped his attack and looked at Sidious with eyes wide open and jaw gaped in awe. "WHAT!"

"DARTH MAUL IS RIGHT!" Replied Sidious, raising a clenched fist.

The old former Jedi looked confused as he looked at the dark lord.

"Don't you see, Dooku! We've been dying of BOREDOM for the past year because we are so FREAKIN' SICK OF OURSELVES!" Sid walked away from his chair and quickly yanked his hood off, exposing the Chancellor's face. "I, for one, am so SICK and TIRED of being the galaxy's official BASTARD! I mean, it's all BORING. Being THE Sith Lord sucks ass! There's no real action! I just sit around in my throne room all day, staring at the walls, bossing people around, pretending to be that boo-hoo Chancellor who can't even stand up for himself, and talking to you guys in holo! What kind of life is that! What are my grand kids gonna say when they find out that their grand daddy had led such a boring and useless life!"

"I cannot agree more, my former master!" Maul said gleefully.

Dooku didn't know what to say or what to do. It seemed as if both his master and his master's former apprentice have gone off the deep end. What the fuck was happening? They were supposed to be the badasses of the galaxy, not the galaxy's primary candidates for a life reform program.

But then, at that moment, Dooku started to think about his own life…He thought about the man he had been for the past eight decades…Then it HIT him. The realization HIT him fast and hard like a Geonosian speeder on crack.

"Oh. My. God! I can't believe I'm gonna say this, but you two ARE right!" Dooku suddenly shouted. He looked like he had just been rejuvenated. "After a couple of seconds of pondering about my 83 years of wasted life, I have also realized that I, TOO, AM SICK OF MYSELF! SO FUCKIN' SICK OF MYSELF!"

"YEAH!" Cheered Sidious.

"YEAH! Say it, Dooku! You ARE sick of yourself." Added Maul.

"I. AM. SICK. OF. MYSELF!" Dooku slammed his hand on the table. "SOOOO sick and BORED of being an uptight twit who always has to worry about his manners and his elegance and his posture and his accent and his hair and…"

"You've always worried about your hair?" Asked Sidious.

"WHATEVER!" Replied Dooku. "Aaaanywayz, I believe it's about time that we have a change around here! A big change! A change that will put the meaning back into our sordid, boring and dark lives!" His voice was filled with passion and excitement.

"Yes! I believe it's about time that we have a change around here!" Continued Sidious.

Dooku pursed his lips and looked at his master. "Um, I just said that. I just did. Like, a second ago." He said in a low tone.

"Yeah, but I'm the big boss, so I should be the one saying stuff like that around here." Sidious said, oh so proudly. "After all, check your apprenticeship contract. It states there that I can steal your lines as I see fit, or if they'll make me sound cooler."

Count Dooku and Darth Maul just stared at each other and shrugged.

"Then it's settled then!" Exclaimed the jolly Sidious. "I, for a change, will become the NICEST guy in the galaxy…The SWEETEST, NICEST, most ADORING man in the whole freakin' GAUNIVERSE! I will spread peace and goodwill and candies and unicorns to each and every planet, even to those of the Separatists! I will give love, not pain…Then, perhaps, Mon Mothma will learn to LOVE ME too!"

Sidious pulled out a framed picture of Mon Mothma from under his robes. The picture had pink hearts drawn over it and a note that read "Sid and Mon 4evur". He looked at the picture with dreamy eyes and cuddled it close to his cheek.

Maul, who was now flipping through a number of books, narrowed his eyes and looked at the dark lord curiously. "Wait…Did you just say…gauniverse? Is that even in the dictionary?" Maul licked the tip of his finger and flipped through his dictionary.

"Shut up, Merriam-Webster." Snapped Sidious.

Dooku's eyes widened and a huge grin spread across his old face. "YES! YES! And I, the still ruthless and charismatic Count Dooku of Serenno, aka Darth Tyranus, aka One of the Fallen Twenty, shall now be known as Slim Dooky Dawg. Gone will be my uptight manners and carefully constructed phrases. Gone will be my elegance and unwavering posture. From now on, I will be in the shizzle rawkin' you dawgz out on the house! And I will get LAID!"

Filled with vigor, he stood up and pulled out a baseball cap from his cape. The cap had "Led Zepparatist" printed on it and he snuggly put it on backwards. He pulled out a couple of studded gold rings from his pocket and placed them on each finger. Then he took off his cape and his black suit (leaving his tank top on) and wrapped the long sleeves around his waist. And as a final touch, he pulled his pants down to his hips and hung the chain that used to hold his cape, on his pocket.

"ROCK ON!" Using the force, he jumped on the table and did the "Y" sign with his thumb and pinky. "Let's party like it's FUCKIN' nineteen ninety niiiiine! YEAAAHHH! Bring out the lemon-aaade!" He force-pulled the lightsaber from his belt and used it as a faux microphone. "Let's partay! LET'S PARTAY! Raise the roof, uh huh!" He chanted as he waved a hand in the air.

Sidious and Maul's eyes widened, and then they stared at each other.

"Isn't he a little TOO old for that?" Asked Maul.

Sidious shrugged. "Meh. He's been a celibate Jedi for seven decades. Let the old boy have his FUN for a change."

"And as for me…" Maul raised his chin up in the air like a proud bard and held his books close to him. "I shall learn the ancient arts of literature and become this galaxy's prime literary master. Everyone will bow down to my mastery of words! My name, Darth Maul, or rather, J.D.R. Maul, will be printed on every book and every holochron! Scholars will chant my name and talk about me for years to come! I, I shall rule the world of literature and POETRY! And I will have my revenge! Hmmm…in fact, I'm thinking of writing my own play. It will be a play, about us, our adventures in the galaxy. Yes…yesss…hmmm…"

Maul took a quill from his pocket and started to write down stuff on his notebook.

"It will be about how three Sith Lords, that's you…" He pointed at Dooku, who was now sitting on the side of the table. "…me and Sidious, have found our meaning in life. And I shall call it, The Ballad of the Three Sith Lords! It shall be shown on all Opera Houses! It will be the play of the century! And WE shall star in it! Then at the end of the play, I will stand on stage, alone, and bask in the audience's applause of my writing prowess!"

"To be, or not to be…THAT is the question." Said Sidious.

"Ditto! Can't agree more, bro." Added Dooku. He was doing some weird movements with his hands as he talked.

"Dooku, my friend, will you REALLY start talking like that from now on?" Sidious asked as he looked at his reformed apprentice.

"You got that right, Sid." Replied Dooku. He was doing some funky movements with his hands again. "Ahm gonna' be talking like a punkass boy, yo!" He suddenly grabbed Sidious' hand and started slapping it around.

"What in the world are you doing!" Sidious asked as Dooku did some crazy handshake-like things with his hand.

Then Dooku suddenly pulled Sid in a hug and patted him on the back.

"Dat's gonna be our handshake from now on, dude. Got dat?" He asked.

Sidious quickly took a step away from Dooku. "You…are…scaring me…"

Maul stepped between them with his chin still up in the air "Ah, perhaps Dooku is just in need of a little air. It is quite stuffy in here if I say so myself. What say you we traverse the galaxy in search of some amusement? Coruscant perhaps? Or Naboo? Because wherever we are, I cannot find my inspiration here."

Dooku walked to Maul and lightly punched him on the chest. "Duuude, you sound kinda gay, man. Loosen' up, bro."

Maul tsked and gently brushed off the portion of his chest that Dooku had just punched. "Well, ol' chap, if you find my way of talking jocular, then you better check on yours…Because I, myself, find your new way of talking rather incongruous."

The old Jedi narrowed his eyes and flexed his bare arms. "Man, you are sooo gonna get your ass fried." He pulled out his lightsaber and ignited it.

The now NON-EVIL Dark Lord of the Sith, Darth Sidious, immediately stepped between, hoping to stop his apprentices before they engaged in a battle of brains against brawn. Surprisingly, Maul now seemed like the brains while Dooku now seemed like the brawn. "Friends, friends. Stop this. As you can see, the only friends we have in the world are each other. Make love, not war. Spread peace, not hatred. Love --- LOVE is what the galaxy needs in this time of death and destruction."

Dooku raised a brow and shifted his weight on one foot. "Sid, you WERE the one who started all this death and destruction. You got them homies in the republic fightin' 'gainst mah separatist dawgz, man."

"And that's why we'll have to stop it now, don't we?" He said with a smile.

"Correct." Said Maul. "May I suggest we make our way to Coruscant first? I believe it is there where the Senate and the Jedi Council reside."

"You are indeed correct, Maul. We shall head off to Coruscant, and THAT is where I shall correct the mistake I had made. As Chancellor Palpatine, I will halt the war and restore peace in the galaxy. And then…THEN…" He cuddled Mon Mothma's picture against his cheek again. "…Then perhaps my beloved Mon Mothma will finally realize that I am the man she needs, the man she WANTS!"

"Dude, you are soooo seriously obsessed with that babe." Said Dooku, then he turned to Maul. "Hey, Maul, there was even this one time, when I caught him in his room and he had that picture with him on the bed and he was wan---"

Sidious quickly grabbed Dooku's cap, turned it around and pulled the brim over Dooku's eyes, covering the count's line of sight. "Ooooookay. That's ENOUGH! Can we just lay off my personal life now? Please?" He sounded rather irritated.

"Hey!" Exclaimed Dooku. He immediately pulled the cap up and twisted it around so that it was on backwards again. " If you say so, mastur." He sighed.

Maul snickered.

Sidious placed his hands on his waist and scolded the count. "And stop referring to me as mastur with a 'u'. It makes me feel…all…dirty."

Dooku punched Sidious on the arm. "Got it, MastEr."

"Better." Sidious sighed and rubbed his arm. "Anyway, we should fly to Coruscant now before it's too late. I have to deprogram that darned Order 66 from those clones before they blast each and every Jedi from the face of the universe."

The old former Jedi suddenly placed his arms over Maul and Sidious' shoulders, holding the two Sith Lords in a group hug. "Dudes! You guys, you know what this means!"

"What?" Maul irritatingly asked as he slowly moved Dooku's arm off of him.

"ROAD TRIP!" Dooku shouted.

x x x x x x x

TBC…

Next: ROAD TRIP


	2. Making Mister Nice Guy

Thank you so much to everyone who reviewed the first chapter :D! PEACE OUT :D!

Chapter 2: Making Mister Nice Guy

"Okay, guys. Gimme a sec and I'll have my pimped up two-door, four-seater Geonosian Solar Sailor ready. You cool wid dat, Sid?" He asked as he patted Sidious on the back.

"Er, um, yes. I'm 'cool' with anything…Anything that will get us to Coruscant in time." He replied.

Darth Sidious still felt quite uncomfortable with this new Dooku. The new Dooku even walked funny now, like he always had something heavy on his shoulders. And the pants…the PANTS! Why did he have to pull his pants THAT low? He could practically see the waistband of Dooku's boxers from where he was standing. And lo and behold, his old apprentice had his name embroidered on the waist band. "Count Jard Dooku of Serenno" it read.

/"Jard? His first name is Jard!"/ He thought to himself.

"Then it's all phat." Dooku said. He suddenly noticed where Sidious' eyes were. "And dude?" He asked, looking at Sidious suspiciously.

"Yes…um, dude?" Asked Sidious. And what's up with these overly used words 'dude', 'bro', and 'man'? Dooku's saying them like they're the period to every sentence.

"Stop staring at my crotch, man. That is soooo uncool. And really gay, like Maul." And with that, he turned around and walked towards the door to get the solar sailor ready.

"I wasn't looking at your crotch!" Shouted Sidious. "I was looking at your pants! I think it's scandalously too low. What will the Council say when you, Count Dooku, face them looking like someone who wants to expose his privates!"

Dooku opened the door but stopped on his way out. He looked at Sidious and Maul and tapped his chest with his hand doing the peace sign. "Peace out, bros. Call ya' later when the wheels are ready. And Sid, seriously dude, that was sooo uncool."

"I wasn't staring at your crotch!" Sidious shouted again in frustration as he shook a clenched fist in the air. "I am not interested in your crotch!"

The sound of Dooku closing the door echoed in the room, and now, Maul and Sidious were left alone as the count 'pimped his ride'.

"You WERE staring at his crotch, you know." Maul said. "I saw it with my own two eyes. In fact, if his crotch were a book, I'd say you were reading it."

Sidious grunted in frustration. "Can we SERIOUSLY drop this subject matter now! First of all, I was looking at his pants because it was waaay too low! Then I saw his name written on the waistband and ….UGH! Okay, that's it! END of subject matter! This will be the last time I will hear of this preposterous misunderstanding!"

"If you say so, master." Maul said.

He sat down on one of the chairs and laid his books on the table. He then asked one of the droids to get him a cup of tea. He thinks the tea will help his scholarly mind relax better amidst all the present confusion. He took a monocle from his front pocket and perched it over his eye. He thinks it will help him read better. As if!

Sidious pressed his thin lips into an even thinner line and placed his hands behind his back. He paced around the spacious room. Something was obviously bothering him.

"Something is obviously bothering you, my ol' chap." Maul said as he looked at Sidious. "Care to share your troubles with your former apprentice?"

Sidious looked confused. "Well, yes. You see, I've never really been nice my entire life. Sith Lords never do nice…Never did, never will…well, until now of course."

"How about when you're the Chancellor? You're nice when you're the chancellor, right? Everyone in the Senate looks up to you!" Maul said, adjusting his monocle.

"Well, when I'm the Chancellor, I PRETEND to be nice. But it's all just PRETEND…None of it is really REAL! But this time, THIS TIME, I want to be NICE! Like, really REALLY NICE! Like, Mr. Roger's nice and Elmo nice and, and BUNNY nice. I want to be soooo fuckin' nice, that the Jedi Council and the Senate and Mon Mothma…" His voice softened and beamed at the mention of her name. "…will think that I'm the nicest guy they've ever met!"

Maul suddenly stood up and raised his index finger in the air. "Ah! Then if it is the virtue of niceness that you want, then let me help you! I will guide you on your path to becoming the NICEST guy in the galaxy!"

Sidious cocked a brow and looked at him suspiciously. "YOU will help ME become the NICEST guy in the universe!"

"That is correct." Maul said proudly.

"YOU!" Sidious asked again. "Are you sure!"

"Why? Is there a problem with my offer!" Maul demanded to know.

"Maul, you've been a cruel, heartless and hate-filled bastard since the day you were born. Now how in the world do you expect to help me become Mr. Nice Guy? Do you know how many times you attempted to stick a lightsaber up my back when you were a kid! And remember that one time when you strapped my dog, Popo the First, to my Nubian speeder! And how about that incident when you dumped our newly bought toaster in the bathtub? That wasn't very nice!"

"Hey, nothing wrong with seeing if a toaster could float." Maul defended.

"I was in the freakin' bathtub when you did that!" Shouted Sidious.

"Pfft. Not MY fault that you raised me like a barbarian. You didn't teach me how to read. You didn't teach me how to write. You didn't even teach me any manners!"

"Teach you! I was afraid that you were gonna bite my head off!"

"ENOUGH!" Shouted Maul. He stood up straight and composed himself. "After all, the past is now gone. It has ebbed with time. The Maul that was then is not the Maul that is now. As you already know, I am now Darth Maul, the scholar of scholars, the bard of bards, the playwright of playwrights. Darth Maul…the literary master. Darth Maul, the great writer!" Maul looked proud as he thought of him as such.

"In fact…" He added. "Since you hadn't christened me with a first name, I am thinking of getting my own."

"And that is…" Said Sidious.

"Aristotle! Aristotle Ulysses! From now on, I shall be known as Aristotle Ulysses Maul! I believe it goes well with my new scholarly demeanor, if I say so myself."

"Uh, yeah, Aristotle Ulysses…whatever…" Sidious rolled his eyes.

"Oop! I saw that!" Exclaimed Maul.

"Saw what?" Sidious asked.

"You rolled your eyes and I found that disrespectful! You see, nice guys don't do things like that. Nice guys don't roll their eyes in irritation. Really, REALLY nice guys just SMILE. They just smile and play along even if they already feel like CRAP."

"And why would I want to do THAT?" Sidious asked, feeling confused and lost.

"Because you always want to please those around you all the time. That's why." He took a step closer to Sidious and wrapped an arm around his shoulder. "After all, you DO want to please HER, don't YOU?"

Maul took Mon Mothma's picture from Sidious' pocket and dangled it in front of the old Sith Lord. "Sweet, nice Mon Mothma. Such a sweet and nice and pretty and noble young woman, isn't she? Now I believe she would want someone as sweet and as nice as her boyfriend, no? Someone her parents would approve of? After all, I doubt that they'd want an evil Sith Lord to be their precious daughter's boyfriend."

Sidious looked hypnotized as he looked at her picture. "You mean…I…I can be her boyfriend? Are you saying that that's possible, that it can really happen? That if I become nice enough, she will fall for me and only me?"

"Oh yes, my friend…very VERY possible." Maul said in a hypnotizing tone.

The old sith lord slowly reached out for the picture, his hands shaking as he looked at it like a moth drawn to a flame. But as he did, Maul just moved it a bit further away.

"Imagine it, Master…the girl of your dreams, becoming your girlfriend…"

"My girlfriend…" Sidious said, dazed and in awe.

"And when she becomes your girlfriend, she will hold you in her arms…"

Sidious' hands quivered as he reached out for the dangling picture. "Hold…me…in…her…arms…."

"And you know what'll come next once she's holding you in her arms?" Maul continued to move the picture away from Sidious' yearning hands. He felt like he was dangling a carrot in front of a hungry rabbit.

"What? Will she…will she…will she…" Sidious looked more dazed than ever.

"Say it, master! She will…k…kiss…" He was practically putting the words in Sidious' mouth.

"Yes…She will…SHE WILL….SHE WILL…KI….KIS---"

Before Sidious could say another word, blood suddenly exploded from his nostrils and flowed down his upper lip and trickled down his chin.

"Oh my!" Exclaimed Maul as he jumped back. Now THAT was one thing he didn't expect. "Um, your nose is bleeding." He said, pointing at Sidious' face.

"Of course my nose is bleeding!" He snapped. He seemed to have gotten out of his Mon Mothmic daze. "Now give me that." He snatched the picture from Maul's hand and placed it back into his robe's breast pocket where it rightfully belonged.

"You're uh, still bleeding, rather heavily actually." Maul could see the blood still flowing from Sidious' nostrils.

"Aww darn, now look what you did!" Sidious wanted to wipe the blood from his face with the sleeve of his robe, but he didn't want to get any of it on his clothing. After all, the last thing a NICE GUY like him needed was blood on his robes.

"Quick! You sit down and tilt your head forward. I know exactly what to do." Maul immediately guided his former master to one of the seats.

The door to the conference room swung open with the power of the force, and in strode, or rather, trotted, the hippest, baddest, raddest Sith Lord in the funky galaxy, Slim Dooky.

His eyes widened at the sight before him. "Aww SHIT! What the FUCK happened here!" He quickly made his way beside Sidious. "Dammit, Sid, your nose is bleeding all over the place! You two homies got into a fight or sumthin' while I wuz gone? Coz Sid here sure looks like he landed face first on concrete floor, yo!"

Maul carefully seated Sidious and slowly tilted the Sith Lord's head forward. "For your information, we didn't get into a fight. In fact, I'm not even sure what really happened." He carefully pinched Sidious' nose to stop the bleeding.

Sidious sighed and raised his hand. "It was me. It was my fault. You see…when, um, when I get really nervous or agitated or excited, my nose bleeds. Apparently, even I myself can't stop it from happening…Kind of like how you cannot stop yourself from closing your eyes whenever you sneeze. But the good thing is that it doesn't happen all the time…Only when I get really, REALLY REALLY nervous, or excited."

Maul raised his non-existent eyebrows and nodded his head in realization. "Hmm…no wonder." He mumbled to himself and shrugged. Looked like Dooku was right…Sidious truly WAS head over heels that Mon Mothma. Heck, the thought of her alone made the dark lord's nose bleed like a blood hose in a blood bank.

"Dude, that's really sick, man!" Dooku exclaimed. "Like, sick in a cool way! Damn, I wish I could do that. That would so rock!"

Sidious took out a handkerchief and rubbed the blood off his face. "Oh, trust me, my old apprentice…It is not as 'cool' or as 'funky' as you think it is. Just imagine standing in front of the senate and suddenly have your nose explode on you."

"Whatever. Anywayz, I got our hawt set of Geonosian wheels all up and ready in the docking bay." He said as he pointed at the door. "So if you homiez are ready for the ride of your livvveez, then lets go and ride outta this dumbass boring planet and get the funk goin' on in Coruscant!"

"What?" Maul asked, looking at Dooku.

"I think what Dooku's trying to say as that we better hurry up and get off this planet." Sidious said as he stood up. "He IS correct, you know. After all, the sooner we get to Coruscant, the sooner I can reverse the damage I had done. And the SOONER I will get to see --- HER!" His eyes twinkled at the mention of HER.

And soon enough, images of bunnies and rainbows and butterflies filled Sidious' mind as thoughts of Mon Mothma filled his head. Oh how he couldn't wait to lay his eyes on her again…Lay his eyes on her beautiful face, her smooth skin, her delicate hands, her well-kempt hair, her full, luscious red lips…oh those LIPS!

Dooku cocked an eyebrow and looked closely at the dazed Sidious. "Dude, his nose is bleeding again."

Maul rolled his eyes and sighed. "Don't worry. I'll handle it." He breathed in deeply and suddenly shouted "MON MOTHMA!"

With the mention of that name, Sidious suddenly jumped up and looked around like cat that had just woken up from a deep sleep. "Where! Where is she! Where is my BELOVED! I heard her NAME! WHERE IS SHE!" He zoomed around the room, looking under the table, under the chairs and behind the curtains.

Dooku placed a hand on Maul's shoulder. "You know what, bro? We seriously have to hook him up with that chick. He's literally bleedin' for her, man."

"At last, we finally agree on something, my fellow apprentice." Replied Maul.

"Word." Dooku said as he lightly punched Maul on the chest.

"You seriously gotta stop doing that though." He rubbed his chest. "I honestly find your new demeanor incredibly barbaric and primitive!"

Dooku snubbed Maul, and walked over to the jumpy Sidious, draping an arm over the dark lord's shoulders. "And you, dude." He poked Sidious in the chest. "YOU are gonna get LAID by that Mon Mothma babe. You stick with me in Coruscant and she'll be your boo in no time! That's a promise from one bruthah to anothah." He clicked his tongue and winked at the reformed dark lord.

"Um, word?" Asked Sidious, not sure of how to react to the 'new' Count Dooku.

"Word." Replied Dooku, nodding his head. Then he stepped away from Sidious and moved towards the door. "So whaddya boyz say we get the motor runnin, eh? We don't got all day, yo! Let's get the partay starteeeeed!" He shouted.

"YES! Off to Coruscant we go!" Exclaimed Sidious, clasping his hands together.

"Certainly! Perhaps it is THERE where I will find my INSPIRATION!" Cheered Maul. He quickly gathered his books and followed Sidious and Dooku out the door.

TBC :D!


	3. Bonding

W000T! Thank you for all the reviews :D! To quite Dooku, "YOU GUYS RAWK!"

Chapter 3: Bonding

And so, the three reformed Sith Lords who have recently found new meaning in their otherwise dull lives, walked down the hallway to the docking bay, where Dooku's 'nice new set of Geonosian wheels' was parked.

"So, Sid, what you gonna do when we get there? You juz gonna march in the Jedi Temple and tell 'im Jedis that you turnin' good? Coz I seriously dunno if they're gonna believe you, man. I mean, you're like the heartless bastard they've been searchin' for all these years. They're gonna be all over your ass when you finally reveal yourself to them!" Said Dooku. His shoulders shifted from side to side as he walked.

"Well, I'm actually thinking of changing into the Supreme Chancellor once we get there. But this time, I'm going to be a genuinely nice and honest Supreme Chancellor. I'm finally going to mean what I say when I say stuff like 'I love the Republic.' and 'I want peace.' and 'Padme, your hair looks really wonderful today, who's your stylist?' and all those other stuff I said back then just to make them believe that I was on their side."

"Shit, man! You're a lying bastard!" Exclaimed Dooku, but in a tone of admiration for his master's cunning and manipulative abilities.

"But remember, Dooku. I have given up THAT life now. I will never be that evil, lying, conniving intergalactic bastard ever again. For I, Darth Sidious, otherwise known as Supreme Chancellor Palpatine, has realized the error of my ways. I have also realized, that being the Dark Lord of the Sith isn't all what it's cracked up to be."

"Ditto." Replied Dooku. "And what's up with the Sith's rule of two anywayz? How in the world can we PARTY with just two Siths!"

"Well, there ARE three of us now." Said Sidious.

"Because Siths are NOT party animals!" Interrupted Maul. "To even think of Siths 'partying', as you so referred to it, is preposterous! Siths are of a refined peoples. We think and train and meditate in silence…We do NOT party! You are a Sith yourself, Dooku. YOU should know THAT!"

Dooku just trotted and covered his ears, singing "Ladadadadah!" To himself, and "Atleasti'mnotaboringgayloooooseeer.".

Maul sighed. "I don't know if I'll EVER get along with that man. He's impossible! What ever did you find in that, that pretentious excuse for a Count!" Maul adjusted his monocle yet again and held his books closer to him.

Palpatine placed a comforting hand on Maul's shoulder. "Give it time, my friend. And soon enough, you will find out that you and Dooku have something in common too. Search your heart, Maul…You know it to be true." His voice was soft and relaxing.

Maul suddenly felt a feeling of calmness come over him. "Wow, Palpatine. That…That was quite amazing! I…I do feel better now. In fact, I MAY find the will to get along with that barbarian someday, even if that means that I'll have to learn his HORRID 'language'. And that's all thanks to you and your inspiring words."

Palpatine smiled. "All in a day's work for the nicest guy in the universe." He said cheerfully. "You know me…I want nothing but peace and love and kindness in the GALAXY!" Palpatine smiled and winked at the camera. "In fact, if you look up NICENESS in the dictionary, you'd find my picture right next to it."

Maul winced. "Okay…you're um, kind of overdoing it now. Bring it down a notch. If there is one thing you need to know about NICE GUYS, they do NOT openly brag about their NICENESS. Show it, don't talk about it. Correct your mistakes. Right the wrongs! That's what NICE GUYS do!" He exclaimed.

Palpatine narrowed his eyes and stroked his chin. "Hmmm…You're absolutely right!" Then he looked at Dooku. "Hey, Dooku." He said.

Dooku stopped in place, turned around, and faced the Chancellor. "Sup, Palpay!"

Palpatine suddenly threw his arms around Dooku's midsection and held him into a tight, snuggly HUG. "Forgive me, Dooku!" He suddenly shouted. "Forgive me for what I was going to do to you!" He bellowed, his remorseful voice echoing in the hallway.

The count's face was suddenly filled with DISGUST as the Chancellor pulled him into a tight embrace. "AAAH! Someone get him off me!" He yelled in terror. He tried to push Palpatine off him, but the smaller man's hold was too strong.

Maul, too, yelped in surprise and jumped back at the sight of what his master was doing. "What in the world are you doing, master! Isn't that a little…inappropriate!"

Palpatine's pressed his cheek against the count's broad chest. "I was going to betray you!" There was regret in his voice. He looked like he was about to cry. "Like, really screw you over that Anakin kid…I was going to let him chop off your right hand, and your left hand, then to top it all of, I was going to let him cut off your head…"

Dooku grunted in frustration as he tried to shake his way out of the Chancellor's arms. He cared more about getting out of that embrace than what Palpatine was saying. "Dude, look…whatever you were planning to do, I know you're not gonna do it anymore, okay? So just…let go….this is, like, REALLY embarrassing, man!"

"But I want to show you how SORRY I am." Palpatine bawled.

"This is SOOO not the right way to say sorry!" Complained Dooku. "Come on, man. You're making us look really gay and that kinda sucks! In fact, that REALLY sucks! Just, get off me, okay!" He tried to pry Palpatine off of him again, but failed to no avail. Then as a last resort…"Maul!" He shouted. "GET HIM OFF ME!"

Maul rolled his eyes and sighed. He couldn't believe that he was the one who had to set things right again. He mumbled to himself and walked behind Palpatine.

"Okay, master…Enough of the hugging now. I know I told you to set things right and DO what must be done, but this is certainly unnecessary." He wrapped his arms around Palpatine's mid section and helped in prying him off the struggling count.

"Hey Maul, can't you just, like, zap him offa me with your lightsaber or sumthin? Coz, um, we look really gay like this. And that's soooo uncool." Dooku said.

"Look, you juvenile excuse for an eighty three year old Sith Lord…Stop worrying about your 'cool' image and just help me pry off our currently emotional master from your midsection!" Barked Maul. "It is not like anyone's going to witness this atrocious scenario anyway. After all, if I remember correctly, there are only the three of us here on this remote, secret planet."

General Grievous suddenly walked by them and stopped and gaped and froze in place at the sight of the three Sith Lords. He couldn't believe what he was seeing. He felt like he was trapped in some TWISTED nightmare.

There was his mentor…the supposedly regal Count Dooku, wearing a tank top and a backwards cap and pants that were so low that he could see the count's undergarment. And wrapped around his mentor's midsection was their prisoner, Chancellor Palpatine. And BEHIND the Chancellor was another person who had tons of makeup on his face. What in the world was happening!

Dooku's eyes widened with shock and his jaw dropped when he saw General Grievous staring at them. "It's not what you think!" He screamed. "I had nothing to do with this, man! I'm just a VICTIM here! A VICTIM, GRIEVOUS!"

Grievous shook his head in dismay. "I'll never understand you humans and your odd behavior. And I expected more from YOU too, Count Dooku." He shook a metal finger at the trapped Dooku. "Because whatever you three are doing, it looks really, REALLY sick! If I were you, I'd get a room." And with that, he continued on his way.

"Wait! GRIEVOUS! Bro! It's NOT what you think!" Dooku shouted, waving his hands at Grievous. "Come back! I'm not finished explaining, yo! COME BACK! GRIEVOOOUUS!" But the droid General was already out of earshot.

Maul finally succeeded on pulling the Chancellor off of Dooku and the two of them almost fell backwards. Palpatine, though, had a huge smile on his face.

"Wow!" Exclaimed Palpatine. "That felt good! I feel as if an entire republic cruiser's worth of guilt was lifted off my chest! I…I didn't know that expressing one's honest emotions could make one feel so light…and heavenly!" He sounded all chipper.

"Dude, they're gonna think I'm a prissy, yo! What if Grievous tells the Confederacy of our hallway action! I'm gonna lose the respect of mah homies! They're gonna think I'm one of those dudes who wanna do it with other dudes."

"Dooku, Dooku, Dooku." Said Palpatine. "Have confidence in yourself. Don't worry about what other people think. Stay true to what's in HERE." He pressed the tip of his index finger against Dooku's chest.

"Oookaaay…" The count moved Palpatine's finger away from him. "From now on, no more touchy-feely stuff. Maybe you and Maul are into all that physical contact crap, but not me, man. Coz if I'm ever gonna get all touchy-feely with anyone, I'm gonna get all touchy feely with a babe. Youz got that? No touchin, 'kay?"

"If you say so, my apprentice." Palpatine smiled.

"'Kay. Then we're all cool with that!"

Palpatine's eyes suddenly wandered over the gold emblem that was hanging on the gold chain around Dooku's neck. He didn't see him wearing that earlier today. Though he did see it when Dooku came back to fetch them.

"Excuse me, but before we continue on our way, what's that?" He pointed at the emblem.

"Oh, this?" Asked the count. He held up the round emblem and smirked. "It's my bling bling, man. Solid gold and looks damn good on me, dontcha thunk?" His bling-bling, as Count Dooku put it, was a cog-shaped golden medallion with a hole in the middle.

"Wait a minute..." Palpatine narrowed his eyes and took a closer look at the medallion. "That's the emblem on my personal speeder!"

x x x x x x

Earlier that day…

Dooku went to the docking bay to get his spruced up Solar Sailor ready. Then he spotted Darth Sidious' slick, jet black, personal speeder that was parked right next to it and noticed the golden, cog-shaped emblem on the middle of its bumper.

"Cool." He smiled to himself. "That is sooo gonna look good on you, man." He stroked his chin and nodded his head as he eyed it.

x x x x x x

"No it's not!" Shouted Dooku as he defensively held the medallion close to him. "It's my bling-bling, man! It's mine! I found it fair and square, bro!"

"You crowbarred it off my speeder!" Shouted Palpatine. "Now give it back! That was supposed to be the symbol of my new EMPIRE!" He grabbed Dooku's hand and tried to open it. "Give me back my symbol! It's mine!"

Dooku pulled away from Palpatine. "Look, dude! If you're really as NICE as you say you are, you're gonna cool down and jus let me have my fucking bling bling, aight? After all, you're not gonna build that empire anymore, aren't ya? You know, now that you're all Mr. 'I honestly love the Republic' and all."

Palpatine exhaled and placed his hands on his hips. "Oh fine, fine, you can have your bling bling. And you're right…I HAVE given up my dreams of building that blasted empire. The thought of it alone was making me stressful anyway."

"So we're cool again?" Asked Dooku.

"Yes, we are 'cool' again." Said Palpatine.

"Then that's really awesome, man." Dooku hugged Palpatine and patted him on the back. Then he pulled away and pushed Palpatine's chest with his knuckle. "Let's go, dudes! The docking bay's just over there." He nudged his head and pointed his thumb at the direction of the docking bay.

Palpatine coughed at the force of Dooku's punch.

"Kinda gets to you after a couple of times, doesn't it?" Asked Maul, stepping beside Palpatine. "I swear that man needs someone to punch him in return. He thinks it's aaaalll fun and games and 'cool' until someone comes home black and blue."

"Word." Replied the Chancellor.

"What?" Maul asked.

"Oh, um, nothing. I said 'You're right!'. Anyway, we better get on our way. Time is of the essence as you already know!" He replied. And yet, he couldn't help but wonder…Did he really just say 'Word?' Damn that Dooku!

x x x x x x

TBC :D! Please do review ;)!


	4. The Dook Mobile

And the MADNESS continues :D…

Chapter 4: The Dook Mobile

When they reached the door to the docking bay, the funky count flung it open with his force powers and strutted inside to where his precious 'ride' awaited.

"Here it is, boyz!" He walked beside his wheels and hooked his thumbs to the waist of his incredibly low pants. Then he leant against it and smiled from ear to ear. "I call this baby, THE DOOK MOBILE!" He proudly announced.

Maul and Palpatine gawked in horror as they saw the 'transformed' vehicle that was going to be their ride to Coruscant. They huddled close to each other in fear of even boarding such a horrid…THING! How in the world does Dooku expect to be treated with respect and dignity if he lands on Coruscant in THAT!

Dooku, apparently, had commissioned General Grievous and the techno union to transform his Geonosian Solar Sailor into the pimpiest, hawtest, funkiest set of wheels that would ever travel the galaxy.

The former dull-colored Geonosian ship now had a hot, shiny fuchsia finish and red hot flames painted on its hood and on its doors to give it a hotrod feel. The vehicle itself now looked like a huge vintage 20th century convertible with an even bigger trunk for its 'solar sail'. It also came equipped two side mirrors and four rugged-terrain wheels with shiny mugs, despite the fact that it would never use those in space ANYWAY.

The count also had its capacity expanded so that it could accommodate more people and more cargo. He also asked the techno union to install the BEST sound system they could find. Simply put, it looked NOTHING like his former ship. In fact, it looked NOTHING like anything that's ever flown the galaxies before. But Dooku thought it looked like the sickest, hottest, funkiest, pimpiest set of wheels he'd ever seen.

Then the intense silence between Maul and Palpatine and Dooku was finally broken…

"So, whaddya guys think! Is she HOT or WHAT!" Dooku smiled and ran his ringed fingers through his silver hair as he waited for Maul and Palpatine's reaction.

"Too KICKASS for words, huh?" He asked again. "You can just imagine how jealous those lozers at Coruscant are gonna be once they see this shit!"

Palpatine and Maul continued to stare at the vehicle in horror.

"Oh! Oh! Guys, YOU GOTTA CHECK THIS SHIT OUT!" He punched the ship with the side of his fist and it started to bounce up and down. "THE BEST HYDROLICS IN THE GALAXY, MAN!" He shouted with so much enthusiasm.

Palpatine and Maul's eyes widened even more.

"That's it. I'm going to HITCH my way to Coruscant." Said Maul.

"Or we could always walk." Shrugged Palpatine.

The two were about to run out of the docking bay, when Dooku grabbed them both by the collar. "Oh no you don't!" He pulled them close and draped his bare arms over their shoulders and ushered them to the Dook Mobile.

"You two homiez ain't goin' anywhere! You can't just ditch me like that, yo! Come on! This trip's gonna kick ass! Just three hot dudes like us on a ROAD TRIP to Coruscant! It's gonna rock! We might even pick up some really hot babes along the way. So what say you!" Dooku took out a small device from his pocket and pointed it at the ship. The ship made a small beeping sound and one of the doors opened.

"Pretty kewl, huh?" He stepped inside and waited for the other two to follow.

"I dunno…" Palpatine said as he looked at the inside of the ship. He still felt quite uncomfortable about boarding Dooku's strange new vehicle, or whatever it was. He was afraid it might explode or break into pieces once it lifts of the ground.

"Well, the inside does look rather spacey and commodious." Maul commented.

"Of course it's spacey and comm --- commod --- well, what you said. But heck YEAH it's spacey! This shit's built for road trips and parties, man! I even got a fridge in there somewhere! And I think those techno dudes installed a DVD player and ay LCD flat screen TV in it too! It's like the Studio 54 of intergalactic travel, yo!"

Dooku leaned against the doorway and crossed his arms over his chest. "So what? You two dudes just gonna stand in there and gape at my baby all day! If I remember correctly, Palps here needs to correct that fucked up shit he did in the Senate. And you, Maul, you're like, on your quest to find your inspiration and become some literary scholar or some gay crap like that. And hey, wasn't Palpy supposed to meet up with that chick too! What's her name…Mon something…"

"Mon Mothma!" Palpatine yelped with glee and immediately ran into a ship like ten year old boy in Christmas morning. "I'm coming, my beloveeeed!" He shouted. "Soon, we shall be TOGETHER and spread LOVE and PEACE throughout the galaxeeee!"

Dooku snickered. "Well THAT was easy." Then he cocked a brow and looked at Maul who was still standing in front of the doorway. Maul was holding on to his books and still had that ridiculous monocle over his right eye.

"How 'bout you, bro? Palpz is all set and my baby's all giddy to take off, man!" He jeered. "Now you go be a brother and get in here!"

Maul breathed in. "Very well. I shall join you and my master in this interstellar peregrination. But first…" He took out his quill and opened his notebook. "I would like to write a beautiful and touching sonnet about this moment in our lives…The moment when we three Sith Lords, depart from this anathematized planet for a better and more productive life." He said proudly, holding up his quill.

Dooku slapped his forehead and shook his head from side to side. "Here he goes again." He groaned. Then he looked behind him and called out to Palpatine. "Hey, Palpy! You better go out there and fetch your homie before he getz all prissy on me!

But Palpatine didn't seem to hear Dooku. He was too busy writing Mon Mothma's name with his finger on the building moisture inside the glass windows. "Such a pretty name." He said. His smile looked dazed and surreal. "It also has the letter 'a', like MY name. pAlpAtine." He wrote his name beside Mon Mothma's and made the 'A's of his name bigger. Then he drew a huge heart around the two names. "This heart is a symbol of our love…because my love for you is special." There was a twinkle in his eye.

"Shit!" Dooku exclaimed. "I'm surrounded by a buncha' pussies!"

Maul paced around, waving his quill in the air as he looked at his open notebook. "I shall call this piece, 'The Sonnet about the Three Sith Lords who are about to Leave a Remote Planet to Pursue their Dreams in Coruscant'." He proclaimed.

"Dude, isn't that title a bit TOO long?" Complained Dooku. "I mean, THAT alone could already put your entire audience to sleep!"

"Hush!" He whipped the huge, feathery part of his quill towards the irritated count. "Quiet! Your advice is obviously the last thing I need right now. As you can see, I am currently in 'THE ZONE' and I need my concentration!"

Dooku snickered. "Yeah…the TWILIGHT Zone of Gayness."

"I will have no more of your discouraging words!" Shouted Maul. "Anyway, I better write that title down before I forget it." He immediately wrote the title down on a clean page. "Now…how shall I begin?" He stopped, pursed his lips, and stroked his chin.

"How about..." Said Dooku…"My name is Darth Maul / and I'm a pussy / and Slim Dooky's gonna whoop mah prissy ass / if I don't get into his fuckin' ship!"

"Excuse me!" Shouted Maul, looking quite shocked at the Count's chosen set of words. "How DARE you contaminate my first work with YOUR crude language!"

Dooku rolled his eyes and grunted in frustration. "That's it!" He shouted. He marched towards Maul and stood right in front of him. The count's 6'5" form towered over the Zabrak's 5'9" frame. "I've had enough o' your shit, man!" He said, poking Maul on the chest. "Now youz gonna get your ass in there or I'm gonna haul it there myself!"

"Well what if I don't want to!" Maul crossed his arms over his chest. "What if I just want to sit here, write my sonnet, and drink some tea!"

Without saying a word, Dooku hauled Maul up his shoulders and carried the struggling poet to his ship.

"This is preposterous! Let me go! I demand it! I find this act of yours very Neanderthal!" Maul shouted as he tried to free himself from the count's hold. He pounded at the count's back, but Dooku just rolled his eyes and sighed to himself.

"Your lame-ass punches ain't got nothin' on me, yo!" Dooku said, unaffected by Maul's so-called punches. "Coz seriously speaking, you punch like a girl. And not just any girl, man. You punch like a three year old girl who's suffering from a cold…a really bad cold…the kind of cold that makes people act all gay and stuff."

"That does not even make any sense!" Shouted Maul.

Once they reached the inside of Dooku's ship, he dropped him on one of the seats and strapped him in. "Look, dude, you can write all that funky stuff when we get to Coruscant, okay?. But for now, just sit back, relax, and let me handle it."

Maul sighed. "If you say so…"

Then he looked around and was surprised to see that even the inside of the count's ship looked as different and as vintage as its exterior. The control panel of the ship, for example, looked like that of a 20th century car. It had a steering wheel instead of the usual navigational keys, a gas pedal and break pedal in place of the usual controls. It even had a radio, a cd player, a soda-can holder, a front compartment, a rear view mirror (with huge fluffy dice hanging over it), and to top it all off, it had a gear shift AND a hand break between the driver's seat and the front seat.

Maul felt as if he had been blasted into the early 20th century. This was madness. Who would want to travel the galaxy in such a THING! Oddly enough though, it did feel rather cozy, and it WAS obviously more spacious than its extinct 20th century brothers.

He then eyed Palpatine who was happily coiled up in the front seat of the car and gleefully looking at Mon Mothma's picture.

Palpatine held the picture close to his face. "Do YOU know how many licks it takes to get to the center of a tootsie pop?" He asked the picture melodiously, poking Mon Mothma's eternally smiling 2D face with his index finger. "I bet you do, because you're special. Why? Because I LOVE you. IloveyouIloveyouIloveyou…" He brought the picture closer and rubbed the tip of his nose against it.

Dooku walked to Maul and patted him on the shoulder. "Don't worry, bro. I'll go and handle our luv sick homie this time." He whispered.

"You better do. I'm…starting to worry about him." Said Maul. The sight of his former master, Palpatine, making out with that picture, sent SHIVERS up his spine.

The count approached the Chancellor and quickly yanked the picture from his hand. "Ooooookaaaay…Enough with the picture already! You're starting to totally creep us out, man. You're like totally obsessed with her! Kinda like Hannibal Lecter to Clarice, yo! Can't you just WAIT until you're finally with the real thang?"

Palpatine remained seated as he reached out for the picture. "That's mine! That's mine! Give it back! That's the only picture that I have of her!"

Dooku looked at the picture and grimaced at all the kiss marks and heart drawings and little butterfly stickers that were all over it. Then he remembered that one night when he caught Palpatine 'playing with his lightsaber' while holding on to that very picture.

"EWW!" Dooku exclaimed, the look on his face incomparable. He quickly let go of the picture and it floated back into Palpatine's hands.

"My precious!" Palpatine hissed. He held the picture close to him, and then quickly placed it back into the breast pocket of his robe.

"Aww gross! I think I touched your stuff, man!" He quickly wiped his hands on his tanktop. "Dude, just…just keep your pic in THERE where it belongs! I don't want that THING near me again, you got that! Totally gross, man!"

Palpatine just smiled at Dooku and tapped his breast pocket.

"Anywayz," Dooku said, recomposing himself. He stood by the driver's seat and looked at his two passengers. "Now that we're all settled…ARE YOU GUYZ READY TO ROCK!" He shouted, raising his hands in the air.

"What?" Maul asked, looking clueless.

Dooku force pulled his lightsaber from his belt and used it as a faux microphone again. "I SAID…ARE YOU GUYS READY TO ROCK!"

Palpatine looked at Dooku curiously. "Are we…going to throw rocks at someone? Because if we are, then I refuse to participate in it. Nice guys like me don NOT throw rocks at people and helpless little creatures."

"NO, MAN! Gawd, are you guys stupid or just lame ass whacked! What I wuz trying to say is…ARE YOU GUYS READY FOR OUR ROAD TUHRIIIP!" He shouted again, louder this time and with his lightsaber handle closer to his mouth.

"Well, if you are referring to our expedition to Coruscant, then I guess we ARE ready." Said Maul. He leaned forward to address the Chancellor since the Chancellor was seated on the front seat. "You ARE all ready too, aren't you, master?"

Palpatine's eyes suddenly widened. "POPO!" He shouted. Then he threw a shoe at Count Dooku. "How DARE YOU forget about POPO! He is your responsibility! What will my poor doggie do without his daddy?"

"Ow!" Dooku winced as the shoe hit his forehead. "Hey, man! I gave up my responsibility on that dog o' yours the moment I became the Slim! So if you're gonna ask ME to go out there and fetch your doggie, then DON'T count on it. Coz I ain't gonna do any of that…"

A strong gust of wind suddenly passed by Dooku and Maul and the Chancellor disappeared.

"What the fuck!" Dooku said.

"Where did he go?" Asked Maul.

The strong gust of wind came back again and Palpatine was now sitting on the front seat of the car where he was originally seated a split second ago…And on his lap sat Popo the dog, his beloved two year old Mini Schnauzer.

"Man, that was fast!" Exclaimed the count. "How'd you do that shit!"

Palpatine just cocked an eyebrow and smiled. "Coz I'm the fucking Sith Lord."

x x x x x x x

TBC


	5. Ride with me

Let's go a trippin' :D! Chapter 5's on the loose! W00T! So long and thanks for all the reviews :D! love you guys :D!

Chapter 5: Ride with Me

"Heck yeah, bro!" Replied Dooku. "Now that's what ahm talkin' 'bout! We're the badasses of the badasses of the galaxy coz we ARE the fuckin' Sith!"

He walked to Palpatine and Palpatine stood up and the two did their brother handshake. Then they tapped their chests with the side of their fists and hit their knuckles against one another. They slid their palms together and ran their fingers across their hair and pointed at each other with 'gun-shaped' hands. Then they pulled each other in a hug and patted each other's backs. Dooku pulled away, looked at Palpatine, and grinned.

"Hey, you're pretty cool, yo!" Said Dooku, punching the Chancellor in the arm.

"Why, thank you! I…never thought I had it in me." Replied Palpatine. He STILL didn't get the 'punching someone in the arm or in the chest' bit though. He found that aspect of Dooku's new 'persona' quite 'painful'…literally.

Maul unhinged his seatbelt and stood up in protest. "…And you never will AGAIN!" He shouted. "Master! I can NOT believe you're letting that…that NEANDERTHAL of a count…" He shook a finger at Dooku. "…corrupt you with his unacceptable manners! First of all, really REALLY NICE guys do not say words such as 'ass', 'fuck', 'shit', and 'coz'." He said, putting up a finger with each word.

"And mind you, I only said those words for EDUCATIONAL purposes. Also, NICE GUYS do NOT proclaim that THEY'RE THE SITH LORD! Apparently in this galaxy, the word SITH is equated to the word EVIL. SITH is equal to EEEEVIL! So if you TRULY want to be the galaxy's Mr. Nice Guy and Mon Mothma's future fiancee, then I suggest you do not go around telling everyone that you're the SITH LORD!"

Palpatine bit his lower lip and raised his eyebrows in the realization of what he had momentarily become. "Whoops! Looks like I got carried away for a moment there." He apologetically gave Maul a small bow. "I apologize, Maul. And you are right. Nice guys do not do and say such things. That was very careless of me."

Maul smiled. "Good." Then he looked at Dooku and threw a shoe at him, hitting the tall count square on the forehead yet again.

"Ow! Will you two stop throwing shoes at me already!" He yelled and rubbed the throbbing and stinging sensation above his left eye.

"And YOU!" Shouted Maul, pointing at the count. "Stop influencing Chancellor Palpatine with your crude ways! As you already know, my master…OUR master is in the path to becoming the NICEST guy in the universe. And I am not sure how THAT will ever be possible if you keep on CORRUPTING him!"

"Fine!" Shouted Dooku. "If you wanna train our master in the GAY side of the force and make him as prissy as you are, then 'kay! I ain't got nuthin gainst that!" He sighed. "Just don't make me act like 'it coz I ain't gunna, you git?"

Palpatine raised his hand. "Um, I don't want to be 'prissy'…I just want to be NICE. I don't think Mon Mothma's into prissy guys." He said matter-of-factly.

"See! Even our master thinks your shit's all lame, yo!" Dooku barked.

Palpatine looked at Dooku.

"Don't you ever listen to him, master!" Said Maul. "Once again, he's trying to LURE YOU into his web of bad language and UNCIVILIZED behavior! I can't even imagine how this man ever became one of the best and most respected Jedi ever!"

Palpatine looked at Maul.

In fact, Palpatine felt like he just gave birth to two bratty kids who wouldn't stop fighting all the time. If he weren't the nice guy he was now, he would've already whooped their asses with some good ol' force lightning and blasted them out into space using one of those cannons they used during the Battle of Naboo.

He smiled to himself and thought about it for a second. Yes…that would have been good indeed. His smile widened as he nodded his head in amusement at the thought of frying those two annoying Sith Apprentices and then shooting them out into space using a cannon…and not just any cannon...a really BIG cannon…like, HUGE!

Then his eyebrows furrowed and his smile turned into a frown. No…that was wrong. He was nice now. Like, REALLY NICE! To even think about such a thing is WRONG! How could he even have thought of doing that to his FRIENDS! Then his thought bubble was suddenly burst by the sound of Dooku's voice.

"Dude, just sit down, man!" Dooku waved his hand towards Maul and force pushed the Zabrak down onto his seat. Then he moved his hand in a circular motion and used the force to strap Maul's seatbelt in. "Look, wimpy…This iz MY wheels, so youz gonna follow MY rules, got that! And just in case you didn't understand any o' that, that means…I'm gonna do whatever I want, say whatever I want, WHENEVER I want!"

Maul just rolled his eyes and shook his head sarcastically. "Fine, fine…" He mumbled. "But once we reach Coruscant, I will finally have MY way and free myself of your..." He looked around and eyed the inside of the count's ship. "…abominable choice of a lifestyle, if you could even call it one, that is." He glared at Dooku.

Dooku glared back. "Yeah. Okay. I'm cool with that…In fact, I can live with it." He said back. "But for now, you're in MY territory, bro. And you know what it means when you're in the Slim's territory."

Maul cocked a brow. "What?" He asked.

Dooku suddenly jumped up on his seat and brought his lightsaber, now his faux microphone, against his lips. "It means…THAT WE ARE GONNA PARTAAAAY, YO!" He shouted, waving a hand in the air.

"Oh Lord, kill me now!" Maul yelled as he looked upwards.

"Calm down, Maul…After all, this 'party', or trip, or whatever the count wants to call it, may not be as bad as you think it is. You know what they say…Always look at the bright side of life." Palpatine said in an effort to comfort his apprentice. Popo, his dog, jumped off his lap and ran around their chairs. "See? Even Popo's looking forward to it."

Count Dooku, now known as 'The Slim', remained standing on the driver's seat as he looked at his comrades. "Okay…so before we get dis party rollin', let's check if everyone's ready, yo!" He continued to use his saber's hilt as a microphone.

He looked at Palpatine. "Yo, Palpy, Lord o' the Siths, you ready!"

"As ready as ready can be!" Said Palpatine gleefully. The thoughts of being with Mon Mothma again made him his cheeks burn like the sun on a hot summer's day.

Then he looked at Maul. "Hey, horny, you ready!"

"I guess…As if I have a choice in the matter anywa…" Then his eyes widened. "What a minute, what did you just call me?"

Dooku just ignored him. "My backup dancers over there at the back, you chicks ready!"

A bunch of scantily clad Human and Twi'lek chicks on the area behind Maul, smiled and waved at Dooku. "Ready, Slim!" They shouted and giggled.

Maul and Palpatine looked at each other and shrugged.

"Hey, Popo! You cool, dawg!"

Popo stood up on his hind legs and barked.

"Then we're all cool!" Then Dooku looked at Maul and Palpatine. "How about my POSSE! Is my posse READY TO ROCK AND ROOOLLL!"

Maul and Palpatine just sat there and looked up at Dooku.

Dooku looked back at them, as if he was waiting for them to say something. "Um, I said…IS MY POSSE READY TO ROCK AND ROLL!" Then he grinned and pointed his lightsaber handle at them.

Palpatine and Maul looked behind them, and then they looked at each other, and looked back at Dooku.

"What!" Maul asked. "Where's this posse that you are talking about?"

"Guys!" Dooku said, looking taken aback. "You dudez ARE my posse!"

Maul raised his eyebrows. "Ooohh. So NOW we are YOUR posse! And by posse you mean YOUR sidekicks of some sort? Your FOLLOWERS?" He looked offended.

The count smiled and nodded his head. "Yeah! You NAILED it, bro!"

"What's a posse?" Asked Palpatine. "I STILL don't get it."

Dooku sighed. "Dude, let's just say…that Mon Mothma is into guys who are in posses!" Dooku knew that Palpatine would understand anything as long as it had the words 'Mon Mothma' in it --- somewhere. Heck, Palpatine might even understand 'Adkfjgjbvisugilbvibigf. Mon Mothma. Askdjhfakslgfkjbvudbg'

"I want to be in a posse! I want to be in a posse!" Shouted Palpatine.

"Stop playing around with the master's mind!" Shouted Maul. "You're confusing the poor fellow. He's a star-crossed lover for heaven's sake! Not a mindless twit who you can just move around like a piece in a chess board!"

"Hey, just havin' a little fun, dude. Don't get your panties all bunched up 'bout it."

"UGH!" Maul grunted. Then he waved a hand at Dooku. "ALRIGHT ALRIGHT! If it's going to satisfy your low self-esteem, then FINE! I am one of your posses and I am ready to…" He paused, and cringed in advance as to what he was about to say "'rock' and 'roll'." He said gloomily and sarcastically.

"Hell YEAH we're ready to ROCK and ROOOOOLLL" Shouted Dooku on his faux microphone whilst raising a fist in the air.

Then he looked behind him and pointed a finger at the CD player. The CD player opened and Dooku moved his hand in an upwards motion. One of the CD cases that were scattered on the floor opened and he manipulated the force to pull its disc out.

He then whipped his hand sideways and the disc landed on the opened player and it closed in one swift motion. Dooku looked at Maul and Palpatine and grinned and nodded his head. "Dudes, this is gonna be one chillin' trip you ain't ever gonna forgit!"

The count snapped his fingers, and a bass-thumpin', chess-burstin', hiphop beatin' music started to pulsate from the ship's heavy duty bass-boosted speakers.

Maul and Palpatine's eyes widened. They felt like they were inside a drum that was being beaten over and over and OVER again. They felt like their ears were going to explode and that their chests were going to burst. They could practically feel their chests pulsating as the bass in the music thumped and pumped one beat after another.

"Now THIS is what I'M talking about!" Said Dooku. He moved his shoulders up and down and bopped his head with the groove of the music. "This music's pumpin' up my nexus cool, yo! You don't hear shit like this anymore!"

"I'm gonna DIE!" Shouted Palpatine. "My head's gonna explode!" He shouted louder and covered his ears in a desperate attempt to drown the music out.

"Chill out, bro! You'll get used to it eventually! After all, we got aaaall six jiggy hours to listen to aaall my funky tracks, yo! You dudes'll be pretty fly in no time flat!"

Maul and Palpatine stared at each other…and they both screamed in horror.

Dooku chuckled and rolled his eyes. "Pussies." He muttered.

Then he turned around and let himself fall butt first, onto his seat. He took the key from his pocket and stuck it into the ignition. He twisted the key in its place, and the ship literally ROARED into life. The entire vehicle practically shook and jolted as the engine started, and Maul and Palpatine hung onto their seats. The two Siths wished that they had four hands at the time. Two to cover their ears, and two to hold themselves in place.

The driver, on the other hand, looked overwhelmed at the ship's power. "Man, this is HOT!" He exclaimed. "Dunno what Grievous packed into this baby, but it looks like this shit was built for road trips and drag races, man!"

"Look, we do NOT care if this ship was built for DRAG! Just get us off this godforsaken planet and straight to Coruscant! The sooner we finish the grueling six hours of travel time, the better!" Shouted Maul. "And turn down the volume! I can barely hear myself in this disaster that you call music!"

Dooku turned the volume knob down a bit and looked behind him. "First off, that's not drag, yo! That's drag RAY-CING! For all I know, you the drag! So just stay there and keep your butt warm as I take this baby to the stars, aight?"

"Just do what must be done!" Said Maul. "Do it now before I plunge a dagger into my heart as Juliet had done in the play Romeo and Juliet by William Shakespeare!"

"GAY!" Shouted Dooku.

"Why you…" Maul glared at him and was ready to decapitate the count.

"Stop shouting at each other!" Screamed Palpatine. "IT'S NOT NICE!"

Dooku and Maul looked at Palpatine. "Shut up!" They shouted.

Palpatine hmph-ed, then he crossed his arms over his chest and pouted. "Goodness. I try to make the world a better place and they shout at me." He muttered. "And I thought being the good guy was going to be easy for a change."

"Okay, guys! 'Nuff o' all the crap!" Dooku pressed his 'Led Zepperatists' cap against his head and licked his lips. Then he gripped on the knob of the gear shift and looked at his two passengers. "Fasten your seat belts coz here we go!" He pulled the gear back and stomped on the gas pedal.

The ship roared with fury and it suddenly flew backwards, crashing against Palpatine's personal speeder. The three passengers almost fell off their seats at the impact.

Dooku just sat there, gripping at the gear shift. His eyes were wide and his mouth was gaping. "Whoops." He said. "Looks, like, um, we crashed into something…hard."

"MY SPEEDER!" Shouted Palpatine. "My precious speeder!" Palpatine looked out the window and saw his expensive, multimillion Nubian dollar speeder crunched up between the wall and Dooku's ship. Needless to say, it was smokin'.

"Um…really sorry about the speeder, man." Dooku said apologetically.

"Sorry! SORRY! It took me YEARS to buy that! I may have been evil, but I surely was corrupt enough to leech the Republic's money!" Palpatine looked like he was about to explode. He suddenly had the urge to fry the count's ass with his force lightning and chuck his toasted corpse in Mustafar, but he slowly calmed himself down. After all, really nice guys wouldn't do such things. Really nice guys would just forgive and let go.

"Hey, look, I said I'm sorry, dude! I'll pay for it if that'll make you happy, k?"

Dooku exhaled and wiped the sweat from his forehead. He straightened his backwards cap and settled himself in his chair. "Okay, guys…this time, we're REALLY gonna take off. And, like, I mean it. Really…no fucked up shit this time."

"Yes…If you say so. I just hope you don't run over anyone on the way out." Said Maul.

"Hey, look, horny…I got everything under control, k? That, uh, that was just a little fluke, yo! I think I uh, accidentally pressed on something…But don't worry…I got it all under control now. Aaalll under control…"

Dooku shifted the gear and was ready to step on the gas again.

"By the way, Dooku…" Said Maul, peering over the count's shoulder. "Have you EVER driven one of these vehicles?"

"Well I've driven a fair number of ships and speeders at my time. You know, when I wuz younger, which is a couple'a decades ago. I've never driven anything like this though. All this vintage shit's really new to me, yo."

Maul rolled his eyes and pressed his back on his seat. "Oh how wonderful…" He said sarcastically as he looked at his master. "What a stroke of luck indeed! It seems that WE are going to be driven halfway across the galaxy to Coruscant by some 'DUDE' who's never driven something like this in his entire life."

Then Maul and Palpatine's eyes widened. They looked at each other, AND then they looked at the exit of the docking bay where the blue sky awaited them.

"AAAAAH! We're gonna die!" They SCREAMED in unison.

Dooku grinned and looked at them. "Relax, guys! I know what I'm doin'." He stepped on the gas, and thankfully, the ship zoomed forward towards the opening.

Grievous suddenly ran in the docking bay, holding up the count's cape. "Dooku! You left your ---" Then his eyes almost fell out of his mask when he saw the count's speeding mobile heading straight at him. "Oh shit!" He muttered.

"Dooku, look out!" Shouted Maul.

Dooku looked at the windshield and saw Grievous' figure tumbling over it and above his ship. "Aww fuck! I just ran over my second in command!" He shouted

Grievous landed on the concrete floor and rolled for a couple of feet. Then he lay there on the ground, feeling like all of his mechanical and biological parts were turned upside down and inside out. "Ouch." He groaned.

x x x x x x

TBC


	6. ROAD TRIP

WEEE! Let the adventure commence :D! here we goooo….

Chapter 6: Road trip

The ship continued to fly out the exit of the docking bay and it skyrocketed into the atmosphere. The solar sail slowly expanded from the trunk, and it had the words "DOOKU IS DA MAN!" spray painted on it in huge letters.

Dooku looked out the window towards the planet below them. "Grievous is sooo gonna whoop my ass the next time he sees me." He said.

"Well I did warn you about running someone over. But did you listen to me? Noooo, nooo, of course you did not. And now look what you had done…ran poor Grievous over like roadkill. Woe to him indeed. A tragedy, if you ask me." Said Maul.

"Whatever, man." Shrugged Dooku. "He should've looked at where he was goin'! If there's one thing a brother needs to know to survive…that's to never EVER run into the docking bay when the Slim's trippin' his ride!"

"Oh don't worry, Dooku. I'll keep that in mind." Said Maul. "And IF I do end up running into a docking bay while you're, as you said, 'trippin' your 'ride', I will definitely unsheathe my lightsaber and proceed to a-'rippin' your head off your shoulders."

Dooku suddenly winced and he flexed his neck. He didn't know why, but when Maul talked about decapitating him, it made him feel rather --- 'uncomfortable'.

In order to shake the wary image from his mind, he stuck his tongue out at Maul and went back to focus on 'drivin' his wheels. He shifted the ship's gear to gear 2 and stepped harder on the gas pedal, causing the ship to jolt forward.

Palpatine immediately grasped on the arm rest of his seat as the ship sped faster through open space.

"Struck a nerve, have I?" Asked Maul, tilting a brow. "Perhaps you've foreseen it too? Your supposed demise in the hands of that Skywalker fellow? Oh oh oh…What do you humans say? 'Look ma, no hands'! And in your case, no head!" He gave out a hearty and exaggerated 'british' laugh, and almost fell off his seat.

Dooku, who was hidden behind his chair, raised his hand and gave Maul the finger.

Maul gasped and covered his gaping mouth in horror. "How DARE you defame me with THAT, that profane SYMBOL! UUUGH, how UN-civilized!"

Palpatine, too, gasped at what Dooku had done. He found it --- NOT so nice. "Well he is right, you know." Said the Chancellor to Dooku. "That WAS rather uncalled for."

The count just rolled his eyes and increased the volume of his music. He couldn't believe he was associated with these uncool and lame peeps. Then the current song ended and the next one started. Dooku's face suddenly lit up as the next song began.

"Shit! I love this song!" He exclaimed. "Hey, guys, check this out! This is perfect fo' our road trip, yo!" He pumped up the volume even more, causing the inside of his ship to pulsate and vibrate with each and every bass beat.

Then the song's words began…

/ If you wanna go and take a ride wit me  
We three-wheelin in the fo' with the gold D's  
Oh why do I live this way/

Dooku brought his lightsaber close to his mouth and he shouted... "HEY! MUST BE THE MONEEEY!"…out loud.

His head and shoulders moved and flowed and bumped and grooved with the music. For someone who was already at the eighth decade of his life, he STILL had it going ON. Whoever thought the count could groove and grind like that?

Then the second stanza began…

/ If you wanna go and get high wit me  
Smoke a L in the back of the Benz-y  
Oh why must I feel this way/

"HEY! MUST BE THE MONEEEY!" He shouted again at his saberphone.

Dooku continued to dance in his seat. Palpatine, on the other hand, leaned down and looked at the CD's scattered on the floor. "Don't you have any other kind of music?" He asked as he fingered through the CD cases. "I don't recognize any of these musicians…Who ARE these people? Eminem? Jay-Z? Nelly? Black Eyed Peas? 50 Cent?" He picked up each one of them to take a closer look. "Snoop Doggie Dogg? R. Kelly? Usher? I honestly don't recognize these artists."

Then he eyed one of them in particular. It was hidden under all the others. "Oh." He said as he picked it up. "And what's this? It looks nice and sweet. It has a pretty lady on the cover…Mandy Moore?"

Dooku quickly yanked the CD case off the Chancellor's hand and threw it at the back. "Uh, dunno how it got there, man. It's probably my sister's." He said. His eyes were focused on the open space before them, so as to not run into anything…again.

"Now that was rather impolite. I was looking at the cover!" Then Palpatine's eyes narrowed. "And sister? You don't have a sister…"

"Um…" Said Dooku. His grip on the steering wheel tightened and his palms started to sweat. / "Dammit!" / He thought to himself.

He told Grievous to get rid of that CD…Well, not really get rid of it…more of like, HIDE it where no one could find it. "Of course I do!" He exclaimed. "Er, half-sister, that is! Yeah! I have a half-sister! Uh, you see, my dad went around a lot in Serenno and I think he bonked some chick in one o' them clubs, you know."

Heck, he could barely even remember his father.

Palpatine looked at him suspiciously. "Are you suuuure? Because if you don't want that CD, then I would kindly fetch it and keep it with me. I'm actually thinking of giving it to Mon Mothma. She's into music too, you know. I have seen her attending some concerts in the Coruscant Opera House."

The Chancellor was about to stand up, when Dooku's hand shot sideways towards the Chancellor and he held him down on his seat by his shoulder. "Uh, no…I don't think so, dude. My sister might get all bitchy if I lose that CD. And you know how them chicks are when they get bitchy…They get all naggy and angsty and shitty all day."

Palpatine could feel Dooku's hand pushing down on his shoulder hard. "Well, if you say so." He slowly lifted the count's hand off his shoulder.

Then the chancellor, being the nice guy that he was, leaned down and neatly rearranged the CD's on the floor in alphabetical order. "But, what happened to all your other records?" He asked, looking at Dooku from the corner of his eye. "You had such a complete collection of Mozart, Beethoven, Andrea Bocelli, Pavarotti, and the like. I found those incredibly amusing, really. They relaxed me on those days when my EEEVIL plans didn't go as planned."

"Pfft! Those records are for pussies, yo! I mean, they DON'T GOT THE FUNK, you know what ahm sayin'?" Dooku continued to groove with his favorite song and whispered its lyrics whenever he could. "But if youz wonderin' where they are, I threw them out there at the back in the junk compartment!"

Maul suddenly unlatched his seatbelt and stood up. "DIBS!" He shouted while raising his index finger in the air. Then he ran to the back of the ship and went into the junk compartment to search for the CDs.

Dooku shrugged. "See? Told you they're for pussies."

Palpatine looked confused. "I honestly don't know why you keep on referring to Maul as a cat. I mean, if I were called a pussy cat, I wouldn't mind it at all."

The count just rolled his eyes and sighed.

Soon enough, Maul came running back, holding Dooku's discarded CDs in his arms. "I can't believe you've disposed of these audible works of art! To even think of defaming such musical legends is a blasphemy on itself."

"You wanna keep 'em?" Asked Dooku, who was busy drivin' and groovin'.

"Why of course I do!" Maul said happily. "In fact, I shall listen to them while I write my masterpieces. I believe they will greatly inspire me…more than your horrid music ever will!" He sat down and placed the CD cases alongside his books.

"Hey! Just lay off my music, k?" Said Dooku.

Dooku's favorite song ended, and the next one began.

"Aww man." He groaned and slapped the steering wheel. Then he leaned forward and pressed the rewind button of the CD player. The current song stopped, and after a couple of seconds, Nelly's "Ride with Me" song started to play AGAIN.

"Now THAT's what ahm talkin' about." He shouted. He bit his lower lip and got jiggy on his seat, waving a hand in the air and shaking his shoulders from side to side.

He brought his saberphone close to his mouth and sang with the music.

"If you wanna go and take a ride wit me  
We three-wheelin in the fo' with the gold D's  
Oh why do I live this way?"

Then he looked behind him and pointed the faux microphone at Maul's tattooed face.

"What!" Asked Maul.

And the song continued…

/ Hey! Must be the money/ Sang Nelly.

"Aww shit, you missed it!" Said Dooku. "You were supposed to sing that line, man! I gave you the floor! You know, 'HEY! MUST BE THE MONEEEEY!'" He shouted, imitating the specific line from the ongoing song.

"Well I refuse to participate in this!" Maul snuffed. "I find this song degrading and politically incorrect. And the grammar! Oh the terrible grammar!"

Dooku made the 'L' sign on his forehead with his thumb and index finger as he sat back on his seat. Then the song continued with the next stanza, and he sang along with it, still using his lightsaber as a microphone.

"If you wanna go and get high wit me  
Smoke a L in the back of the Benz-y  
Oh why must I feel this way?"

He looked behind him again and pointed the microphone at Maul. But instead of Maul singing, the Chancellor suddenly grabbed Dooku's wrist and pointed the 'microphone' at him instead.

"HEY! MUST BE THE MONEEEEY!" Shouted Palpatine.

"Shit! You got the groove, yo!" Said Dooku, nodding his head and smiling at the chancellor. "Now move your shoulders like this!" He moved his shoulders up and down with the beat. "Grind it! Show me some gyration, man! Feel the music flowin' through you like the force…like hot Bacardi slidin' down your throat!"

Palpatine looked at Dooku and desperately tried to imitate the count's movements. Unfortunately for him, he didn't seem to have it goin'. In fact, he looked like he was just endlessly moving his shoulders up and down like some defective battle droid.

Dooku grimaced at Palpatine's desperate attempt to 'groove'. If groovin' was midichlorians, then Palpatine's midichlorian count would be a negative ten. No…in fact, make that a negative ten point five…point nine.

"Uh…okay okay…that's cool, man." Dooku said as he held Palpatine down on his seat. He held the former Sith Lord by the shoulder and forced him to stay still. "Just uh, sit back and relax okay? No more groovin' for you for now."

"But I want to know how to do what you do!" Said Palpatine. "I want to learn how to 'dance'! What if I find out that Mon Motha likes dancing!"

"Okay, dude. If that chick o' yours is into dancing, then I'll teach you when we get to Coruscant, okay? But not here, man…not here…I'm busy drivin'." Dooku immediately placed his hand back on the gear shift and tried to look busy driving.

/ "Damn! Palpatine may be the fuckin' Lord of the Sith…but this dude can barely move with the beat!" / He thought to himself. / "God, the way he was DESPERATELY tryin' to dance sent shivers down my spine. What a loser!" /

/ "Hey! I heard that!" / Said Palpatine through the force. / "I can read minds, remember?" /

Dooku's eyes widened. / "Sorry, master." / He replied.

/ "Ha! Looks like YOU got --- how do you call it --- owned!" / Said Maul, joining in Dooku and Palpatine's force conversation.

/ "You know what? I dunno why, but I suddenly have the urge to go back there and KICK YOUR ASS!" / Replied Dooku.

/ "Then get back here and do it! I'm ready for you, you vagabond!" /

/ "Meh…I'll do it later. My favorite song's still playin', yo!" / The two continued to converse in the force.

/ "True." / Replied Maul.

/ "…" / Dooku's presence in the force suddenly vanished.

/ "Excuse me…Dooku? Are you still there?" / Asked Maul.

/ "Oops! Sorry about that. The song stopped so I had to rewind and play it again." /

/ "Ugh!" /

The 'Ride with Me' song started to play yet again for the third time, and Maul cringed in his seat. He felt like pulling all of his horns off.

/ "Why! Got a problem wid dat!" / Asked Dooku.

/ "You've already heard that song twice! Aren't you sick of it yet!" /

Then Palpatine's presence in the force was strong again. / "Um, can't we have a normal conversation now? If other people were around, they would find this rather offensive…You know, the three of us talking in the force where they can't hear." /

/ "Hey, Palpster, your back! You were off the line for a while there!" / Said Dooku.

/ "Yes, I AM back, but I'm going to go off now. We do have mouths, you know…mouths to talk with. Anyway, off I go…" /

Palpatine has logged off the forceline.

/ "Yeah, me too!" / Said Dooku. / "Oh oh oh! Here comes my favorite line…"

The Slim has logged off the forceline

Dooku quickly brought the mic to his mouth and shouted, for the 5th time during that trip… "HEY! MUST BE THE MONEEEEY"…along with the music.

/ "Oh God, there he goes again!" / Sighed Maul. / "Oh well…Might as well join my two comrades back in the real world." /

Darth Maul has logged off the forceline

x x x x x x x


	7. Are we there yet

Chapter 7's up :D! Once again, thanks for the kickass reviews :D!

Chapter 7: Are we there yet

2 hours later…

"HEY! MUST BE THE MONEEEEY!" Shouted Dooku for the nth time.

It had already been two hours since they had left the incredibly secret remote planet that nobody knew about, and THAT SONG was STILL PLAYING. In fact, Dooku had it on repeat so that he didn't have to manually replay it whenever it ended.

Apparently, Palpatine had lost count of how many times the song had been replayed and how many times Dooku had said that line. But he didn't really care anymore. He had blocked out the world while staring at Mon Mothma's smiling picture.

"Four more hours to go, my love…Four more hours to go before your beloved admirer finally confesses his undying love for you!" He took out a pink marker from his pocket and drew another small heart in the picture. Then he kissed the picture and hugged it so incredibly close to his chest. "I love you forever." He sighed dreamily.

Maul, on the other hand, looked like his head was about to explode. His eyes were wide and watery, and his hands were over his ears in a dire attempt to block the never ending music from his battered brain. He just couldn't take it anymore…The music kept on going…and going…and Dooku's singing made it worse… He was already on the verge of snapping like a rubber band that had reached its elastic limit.

Then from out of nowhere, he suddenly ripped the seat belt off of him and stood up screaming. "I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!" He shouted. "MY HEAD'S GOING TO EXPLODE!"

They say that in space, no one can hear you scream. But in Maul's case, THAT saying probably didn't apply at the moment.

He ran to one of the doors and tried to twist the latch open with his bear hands. He'd rather get sucked into space and die a gruesome death than hear ANOTHER line from that song and ANOTHER word from Count Dooku's singing.

Dooku's eyes widened at the sound of Maul's scream, and he looked back to check on him. "What up, yo! You sound like you just woke up from a nightmare!"

Maul turned around and looked at Dooku. The Zabrak's eyes burned with rage as he slowly walked to the driver's seat. Maul definitely looked furious. He looked like he was about to rip someone's appendages off.

"WOKE UP FROM A NIGHTMARE?" He shouted at the count. "I am STILL in the nightmare no thanks TO YOU!" He pointed a finger at him.

"Me!" Asked Dooku, placing a hand on his chest. "I dun nothing, bro!"

Then Maul looked at the CD player and he pointed at it. "IT'S THAT THING! THAT MONSTER! THAT is what is causing me my PAIN! MY SORROW! I DEMAND that you turn off that nefarious music --- noise box at once!"

Dooku furrowed his eyebrows. "Wha?" He asked, looking all confused. "You talkin' about my music, man? Well, my music has nothing to do with 'YOUR PAIN', dude. You're probably just havin' your menstrual cramps or some shit like dat. Don't go blamin' it on me, bro!"

Maul gasped. "How DARE you INSULT me as SUCH? And right in the presence of our master too! What will he think of this?" Maul looked at Palpatine.

Palpatine was lost in his own little dream world as he looked and murmured at Mon Mothma's picture. "…And after we get married, I'm going to build you a house." He murmured, poking at Mon Mothma's still face. "…A really pretty house in Naboo…Really, really nice and pretty with lots of flowers and puppies and rabbits and windows. And I'll color the roof auburn…Like your hair." He dreamily sighed and stroked her two dimensional hair with his finger. "And you will love me forever and ever and then every night, we will…"

Dooku cocked a brow at the sight of his disillusioned master. Then he looked at Maul. "I dunno about you, man, but he doesn't seem to care about it." He shrugged. "Look, just sit back down and enjoy the music, k? Be cool, man! Be cool!"

Maul's eyes suddenly burned with ANGER and FURY, and he reached out and grabbed Dooku by the neck of his tanktop, pulling the count's face close to his.

"Look, you abominable excuse for a Sith Apprentice! I don't care about YOU or YOUR MUSIC or your RULES! I've SUFFERED through two hours of TORTURE and I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF IT! I've reached my LIMIT! So you better STOP that song from playing right this instant! Because I swear, Dooku…If I hear another word from THAT song, I'm going to PERSONALLY RIP each and EVERY appendage from your eighty three year-old human body, twist your head off from your neck, and SHOVE my LIGHTSABER UP YOUR SORRY ASS!"

Maul gritted his teeth and breathed heavily as he held onto the count's shirt. His searing red eyes never left the old former-Jedi's face.

Palpatine's eyes widened at what Maul had just said. He gasped in horror and covered his gaping mouth with his hand. He couldn't believe how un-nice Maul was.

Dooku froze on his seat. The color drained from his face and terror filled the space it vacated as he stared back at Maul's burning and enraged visage. He could practically feel the Zabrak's hot breath against his pale skin as Maul's red eyes burned an invisible hole in his skull. Dooku's breathing seemed to have stopped too. He felt as if he was staring death right in the face…And what an ugly face it was.

The old count swallowed and took a deep breath. "Okay." He whimpered. His voice sounded like a fearful child-like whisper.

While still being held by Maul, he slowly pointed a shaking finger at the CD player, and it stopped. Finally, after two hours of Dooku's favorite song, the inside of the Dook Mobile was filled with silence.

Maul smiled a Cheshire Cat smile that spread across his tattooed face. "Good." He said, letting the words slide across his tongue and through his jagged teeth. He absolutely LOVED how he just showed Dooku who the REAL Sith Apprentice was. To quote the count, it seemed as if he had just 'WHOOPED' his 'ASS'. He finally released the count from his death grip and dusted off his hands.

As soon as Maul's hold on him was gone, Dooku immediately sat back on his seat, his eyes still wide with shock. Sweat trickled down from his forehead and his chest rose and fell as he tried to recover from his recent encounter with Maul's 'dark side'. He wiped the sweat with his forearm and straightened the cap on his head.

The smile on the Zabrak's face lingered as he stepped back to his seat. "Ah. Finally, a little piece and quiet around here." He said with his chin up. "Now if you two will excuse me, I will be here on my seat, reading my books and drinking my tea."

Dooku rolled his eyes and imitated Maul by making his hand talk. He couldn't believe that Maul just got the best of him IN his own ride. This was unbelievable!

Maul daintily sat down on his seat and snapped his seatbelt back into place. He took his monocle from his black tunic's breast pocket and moistened it with his breath. Then he gently wiped it against his tunic and placed it over his right eye.

A happy sigh escaped from his lips and he picked up one of the books from the floor. "Let's see…" He said, looking at the cover of the book. "What do we have here?" His eyes lit up. "Ah, one of my favorites! It's not of Shakespeare, but I like it nonetheless. Peter Pan by J.M. Barrie. A classic, if I say so myself…and one of the books that have been turned into a number of plays." Maul opened the book and turned to the first page. "It's about a boy who refuses to grow up, you know. Such a delightful read!"

"Hey! Then it looks like you and Peter Pansy have something in common." Shouted Dooku. "Because YOU'RE the immature twit who refuses to SHUT UP!"

Maul growled and kicked the back of Dooku's seat --- HARD.

"AH!" Dooku yelped as he felt the backrest of his seat slam against his back. Good thing he had his seatbealt on, or he might really have slammed face first against the steering wheel. Whoever thought that pansy Zabrak was a real kicker?

"Cut it!" He shouted, elbowing the backrest of his chair.

"Cut what?" Maul asked sarcastically. A huge smile spread across his face and he kicked the back of the count's seat again, HARDER this time.

"AERGH!" Snapped Dooku as he practically felt his lungs slam against his rib cage. The first kick was bad…the second, worse, and he definitely wasn't going to give Maul the opportunity to give him a third one. After all, this ride was his castle, and he was the KING. Why the heck would he let THAT joker make a fool out of him?

"Okay! THAT'S IT!" He shouted, unlatching his seatbelt. "YOU GOIN' DOWN, FOO! I'm gonna go back there and personally WHOOP YO' ASS!"

"Bring it on, you invertebrate!" Shouted Maul. He closed his book and placed it on the floor. "It's about time we settled this, mano-a-mano!"

"You two! Sit down! SIT DOWN THIS INSTANT!" Palpatine's voice filled the air. He spread his arms towards them and force pushed them down on their seats. Once again, he felt like the father of two bratty kids who wouldn't get along.

"But…" Said Dooku, pointing a finger at Maul.

"No buts!" Shouted Palpatine, pointing a finger at Dooku.

Maul hmphed and crossed his arms over his chest. He tilted his chin up and sneered at Dooku from the corner of his eye. "Thank you for interfering, master. That 'DOGG' of yours was about to get out of control again. You better paper train him before he becomes --- a hopeless case." A sly smile spread thinly across his lips and he picked up his book from the floor.

He placed it on his lap and opened it to the last page that he was reading. "…And we all know what becomes to hopeless cases…" He said as he flipped through the book. "…they are PUT to SLEEP." He looked at Dooku and smiled at him --- an eerie and eeevil smile that would make anyone pee in their pants, except for Dooku of course, because he's cool and above that 'peeing in the pants' shit.

Dooku immediately leaned towards Palpatine. "Dude, I dunno where you got 'im, man…" He whispered. "…but that Maul guy's insane! He's whacko! He just threatened to kill me again, bro, and that's sooo NOT cool to me!"

Palpatine leaned towards Dooku too. "Well…You threatened to kill him too, you know…numerous times, actually…" He whispered back.

"Well duh, but I was just kiddin', man! You know me! I'm a talker, not a fighter! But that Maul guy, your former apprentice, I really think he means it, dude. Heck, just a while ago, he was threatenin' to decapitate me and rip my dick off or sumthin. I'm tellin' you, Palpy! That kid's a psycho! Just look at him!"

Dooku and Palpatine turned their heads towards Maul.

When Maul felt them staring at him, he slowly put the book down on his lap, and held up an unpeeled banana. Then he glared at Dooku and viciously ripped the banana into two pieces and crushed it using his merciless gloved hands.

Dooku and Palpatine's eyes widened and Dooku gulped in fear.

Maul smiled a ruthless, evil smile as if saying 'You don't want THAT to happen to you, don't you?' as he continued to stare at Dooku. Then he took a nicely folded handkerchief from his pocket and wiped his banana-covered gloves on it. He then suddenly tore the handkerchief in half, rather viciously, and threw the torn pieces at the back.

Dooku's eyes widened even more and he gulped again, harder this time.

Seeing the fear in the count's face, Maul's smile softened and he brought the book up to his face again and continued to read it in peace.

The count suddenly grabbed Palpatine by the neck of his robe and pulled his face closer to his. "Oh my god, did you just see what he did! I told he's crazy, man! Nuts! Psycho! He's probably a long lost relative of Norman Bates or something. I swear, Palpy, I really think he wants to kill me! Like, really kill me!" He quickly looked over his shoulder at Maul who was reading his book quietly. He couldn't see the Zabrak's face for the book was hiding it from his view.

"Just look at him…sitting there…plotting my death…" Whispered the count to his master. He sounded panicky. "He's probably thinking of getting me in my sleep…you know, like, he'll sneak up on me while I'm snoozin' and gut my innards out with that fucking two-headed lightsaber of his!" His grip on the Chancellor's black robe tightened.

"Then he'll send parts of my bodies to the Confederacy of Independent Systems with the note 'DOOKU IS A LOSER' attached to each of my body parts. Man, that would SO SUCK! Not only will I die a painful and gruesome death, but I'd die with everyone thinking I'm a LOSER too! I wouldn't be able to live with that, man! I sooo wouldn't be able to live thinking that my alien homies out there think I'm a big loooser."

"Of course you wouldn't…" Shrugged Palpatine. "…Coz you'd be dead!"

"AAAAAHHH!" Dooku screamed. His scream echoed within the pimped up walls of the Dook Mobile.

On the other hand, the sound of Dooku's almost girly scream, made Maul smile.

Palpatine chuckled. "Oh come on now…I was just kidding." He said, patting the heaving count on the shoulder.

Dooku placed his hand on his chest and felt his heart palpitating against his rib cage. His shoulders heaved up and down as he breathed and exhaled deeply. "Dude, do me a favor and ever EVER kid like that again! Shit! I almost had a fucking heart attack! What are you trying to do? Make HIS job easier by KILLING ME IN ADVANCE?"

"Dooku Dooku Dooku…" Said Palpatine softly, in an effort to calm the count down. He gently patted him on the chest. "Look at you. You're acting all paranoid and scared. Don't let him get to you. And after all, Maul would never do the things you said he would do." Palpatine glanced at Maul and saw him still busy reading his book.

"Well, okay…" He continued. "So Maul had a crappy childhood and he sure was a pain in the butt and he definitely impaled and brutally murdered a number of Jedis back in the day, but he's not all THAT bad."

"Uh…you're not helping, Palpster." Dooku groaned.

"Just give him some time. He's probably still recovering from that TRAUMATIC experience of being sliced in half and falling down that shaft and then having to duct tape himself to put his top and his bottom back together. Get to know him better once we reach Coruscant and you'll see what I mean when I say he's a good boy."

"IF I live long enough to see him as this 'good boy'." Then Dooku sighed. "But yeah, you're right. That dude's definitely been through the most crappiest shit I've ever heard. And that duct tape thing, man, that's gotta be gruesome."

Palpatine smiled and happily clasped his hands together. "Well, now that I've finally calmed things down like a real NICE GUY, I'm just going sit back and enjoy the rest of the trip…" He settled himself down on his seat and once again took out Mothma's picture from his breast pocket.

"Oh, my sweet…we are finally together again…like we should have been right from the moment I laid eyes on you in the Senate." He murmured to it. He cuddled it closed to him, and huddled in his chair, perching his feet on the seat and hugging his knees close to his chest. He had a huge smile on his face as he to continued to stare at the picture.

Dooku looked at Palpatine's sappy display, then he arched an eyebrow and winced. What the fuck was happening to the galaxy? Maul has turned into the biggest pussy he's ever known, and the supposedly EEEEVIL Dark Lord of the EEEVIL Sith has turned into Mr. Nice Guy Romeo Kissy-Kissy. Heck, he, the still so awesome and kewlness Count Dooku, was probably the only SANE Sith Left.

He grunted, rolled his eyes, and slumped himself against the steering wheel. Then he noticed Popo on the floor, looking up at him, panting. "Youz and I are probably the REAL dudes left on this ship, man." He sighed as he looked at the dog.

Palpatine looked at Dooku and he smiled. "Oh, Dooku…All these years of taking care of Popo and you haven't you noticed? Popo's a girl! Always has been!" The Chancellor said lightly. Then he immediately went back into his Mon Mothmic trance.

Dooku stared at Popo with wide eyes.

"Aww Shit!" He exclaimed. He banged his forehead against the steering wheel and ground it against the pleather coating. "Oh GOD! I KNEW I should have taken grievous on this road trip instead. Shit! I know he coughs more than he talks, but damn, better then being stuck with these whacked out mofos!"

For Dooku, the road trip was turning out to be a nightmare…and a boring one at that.

x x x x x


End file.
